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Charlieman 2018. 9. 17. 19:39

I'll be there.

 

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

 

six, five, four,

 

three, two, one,

 

zero.

 

I know I don't have
to tell you this,

 

but we need a good one tonight.

 

More than ever.

 

Rick Gabler from Decca
is supposed to show up.

 

This could be our chance
to be signed by a big label.

 

This is going to be
our kind of audience.

 

So, let's give them
what they want.

 

All right.

 

And Glen, if you could
try not to touch yourself

 

while you're singing,
that would be great.

 

What?

 

But it's
my signature move, Johnny.

 

You know it.

 

Honestly, mate, it makes
everyone feel sick.

 

Please don't do it.

 

They love it, Johnny!

 

You like it, really.

 

That's worth more
than music, actually.

 

This is our fucking day.

 

Let's give 100% out there.

 

All right, let's do this!

 

Give us a kiss.

 

Look, Paul,
I know I said two weeks,

 

but I'm telling you,
this band is on the verge.

 

After tonight's gig, the money
is going to start pouring in.

 

No, I'm not a thief.

 

I just need
a little bit more time.

 

In my flat?

 

To cut my hands off?

 

My balls?

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

We are the yellow blackguards
and we bring you love!

 

Fucking cunty bastards!

 

Johnny!

 

Shit!

 

Johnny!

 

How was I to know
they randomly changed

 

hippie night
into inbred retard night?

 

You're our manager.

 

You're supposed to fucking
know these things.

 

I mean, seriously, Johnny.

 

This can't go on, mate.

 

What can't go on?

 

This, you know.

 

You promising to
deliver and us somehow

 

always ending up
in the shitter.

 

Having to run for our lives.

 

You can't possibly
blame me for this.

 

All right, it's not just this.
It's...

 

Actually, it's everything.

 

Like, all right, example.

 

How long have you been saying that
we're going to do my rock opera?

 

Because I don't see no rock opera.
I'm working on it.

 

What else? All right. We've
been gigging for three years

 

and I'm still not getting laid.

 

And that's what it's all about
for you, isn't it, Glen?

 

Getting laid. Partly. Yes.

 

I'm the lead singer in a band.

 

I write all these fucking
amazing poetic lyrics as well.

 

You're off, Henry,
grandma's nipples,

 

take me to the zoo,
I fancy that rhino.

 

Look, I'm sorry, Johnny, but we're
going to need another manager.

 

What? That's ridiculous.

 

How is it going to work
with two managers?

 

No, not like another manager,
like a different one.

 

But that's insane. I'm just
about to get you signed.

 

And all I'm asking for is two
more days to sort it out.

 

Okay.

 

Fine. Two days.

 

But then we are
fucking out of here.

 

Our luck is going
to change. You'll see.

 

Oh, for fuck's sake, Johnny!

 

I believe that this nation
should commit itself

 

to achieving the goal,
before this decade is out,

 

of landing a man on the
moon...
blah, blah, blah.

 

Bullshit.

 

As you know,
we've been developing

 

our space program
for some time now,

 

planning our 11th Apollo mission
to the moon in 10 days' time.

 

The trouble is...

 

We still don't have a clue whether
the thing's going to make it or not.

 

It's been made only too clear to
me that this is our last shot.

 

And that means the Russians
will have a clear run

 

to get to the moon first.

 

And do you know what happens
if the Russians happen

 

to make it to the moon first?

 

We're going to wind up looking like
a bunch of dicks, that's what.

 

You ever seen a movie called
2001: A space odyssey?

 

Made by this film director
geek called Stanley Kubrick.

 

All set in space and shit.

 

Doesn't make a goddamn bit of
sense, but it looks terrific.

 

Now, the thing we've been
asking ourselves is this.

 

If we've got a guy
that can make things

 

look like they're on the moon,

 

then doesn't it
make sense to...

 

You know, film
a pretend moon landing?

 

Just in case the real
one doesn't work.

 

We send Apollo into space.

 

If they land...

 

Great.

 

If not, we let them
circle around the moon

 

while we broadcast
Kubrick's images.

 

Okay, so, here's the plan.

 

We've set up a little
meeting for you in London

 

with Stanley Kubrick's agent.

 

He's expected to meet
with a Hollywood producer

 

who has an important project
for his client.

 

Meet with Kubrick.
Convince him.

 

There's enough money
in this briefcase

 

to turn anyone into a patriot.

 

You don't look happy.
The thing is, sir...

 

I just...

 

Spent the last three years in
special operations in Vietnam.

 

I was led to believe that
I would be given leave.

 

Look, I get it. Who
wants to go to London,

 

be surrounded by a bunch
of hippies and homosexuals?

 

But the thing you have
to know is this,

 

not all englishmen
are actually queer.

 

They just look and act queer.

 

So, you don't have
to worry about that.

 

Any other questions?

 

Yes, sir.

 

It sounds like
a rather large operation.

 

How are we going
to keep this secret?

 

We'll do what
the Egyptians did.

 

Bury the architects
inside the pyramid.

 

The architects? The architects.

 

It's a metaphor.

 

Oh, right.

 

So you want me
to kill everyone.

 

Oh, fuck.

 

Oh.

 

Jimi fucking Hendrix.

 

Fucking shit.

 

You all right, Johnny?

 

Did you do that?

 

What do you think?

 

The guy looks like you,
though. Doesn't he?

 

Of course it looks like me.

 

That's me if I don't
pay back the ironmonger.

 

The ironmonger?

 

Are you mad in the head, Johnny?

 

He chops people's willies off
with rusty tools.

 

That could be you, your Willy.

 

I know that, Leon.

 

I needed the money
for the band.

 

I just got to get them signed,

 

then I can pay back
the ironmonger.

 

Then everything will
be fine again. Oh.

 

Well, you know,
on the bright side,

 

it couldn't get much worse.
Yeah, all right, Leon.

 

I mean, you've barely
got a pot to piss in.

 

If you lose the band, you'll
be back on the breadlines.

 

All right, Leon.
For fuck's sake.

 

I'm going to go see Derek Kaye.

 

He's the one man
that can help me.

 

Oh.

 

Hey!

 

How's this place got all messy?

 

So, I said to her, I said...

 

I said, get your pussy
out of my Aston Martin

 

before I kick it out.

 

Kick it out. Meow!

 

You're an American, aren't you?
Mm-hmm.

 

An American.

 

A yankee.

 

I'm so clumsy, mumsy me.

 

No, no, please. Please.

 

Oh no. Please.

 

We need napkins!

 

No, look, listen, we can talk about
this when the money's right.

 

Because other...

 

no! Oh yeah.

 

I'll call you back.

 

Hi, Derek.
What are you doing here?

 

Can I talk to you?
I just need two minutes.

 

Right. Two minutes, that's it.

 

I've got an important
meeting in five minutes.

 

Just be quick.

 

You've done well for yourself.
Yeah.

 

Good clients. Well, you
could do all right, too.

 

You just got to try not to fuck
everything up all the time.

 

Yeah, that's good advice.

 

So, how's your dad's
butcher business?

 

You working for him yet?

 

No. No, I'm not.

 

It's my band, you know,
they're really going places.

 

You should hear the new set.

 

They're sounding tight.

 

Last night was amazing.

 

The girls were
throwing their knickers

 

on the stage and everything.

 

Good for you. Yeah.

 

All we need now
is a record deal.

 

I thought maybe you could help.

 

What?

 

Sorry, why would
I risk my reputation

 

associating myself with you?

 

All I'm asking for is an in.

 

You know, you could introduce
me to the right people.

 

Yeah, I could.

 

But I'm not going to.

 

Oh, come on, mate.
We're cousins.

 

What that's got
to do with anything?

 

Look, I've got to trust
the people that I work with.

 

Frankly, I don't trust you.

 

So, what are you saying? I
think you're a mess, Johnny.

 

You're disorganized,
you're ineffective,

 

you can't deliver.

 

Anything else?

 

You dress weird.

 

Can you lend me some money then?
Yeah.

 

Sure. How much do you want?

 

Oh, thanks, mate.

 

You saved my life.

 

Too late.

 

Come on, mate.
I only need a few grand.

 

You're loaded.

 

Oh, you're-you're...
you're bleeding.

 

Fuck! Oh, Jesus!

 

All right. Okay. That's it.
The meeting is over.

 

But Derek... Just fuck off!

 

Shit! Jesus!

 

Oh. Fucking oy!

 

Prick.

 

Fuck.

 

Derek Kaye?

 

Huh?

 

Tom Kidman.

 

Johnson brother films.

 

I believe you were
expecting my visit

 

regarding Mr. Stanley Kubrick.

 

Right, yeah. I...

 

I'll be brief, as I just came
straight from the airport.

 

As I said to you on the phone,

 

we have a proposal
for Mr. Kubrick

 

that he needs to take
extremely seriously.

 

Yeah. Cool.

 

There's a considerable
amount of money

 

in this project...

 

Should Mr. Kubrick
decide to say yes.

 

For him and for you. Huh?

 

Now, this is a project of extreme
importance to my employers.

 

And it's incredibly
time sensitive.

 

There's nothing else I can
say without Mr. Kubrick.

 

But I'll be available to
discuss this all afternoon.

 

Here's the number
you can reach me at.

 

If Mr. Kubrick
accepts our proposal,

 

he gets the money.

 

Oh, and I would appreciate it

 

if you would keep this
strictly confidential.

 

Leon!

 

One sec.

 

How are you, man? What's up?

 

This is insanity, man.

 

I look nothing like
Stanley fucking Kubrick.

 

You'll be fine. You've got a beard.
That's all that matters.

 

All we've got to do is sit
down, answer a few questions

 

and just act like you know
what you're talking about.

 

Yeah, but I don't know
what I'm talking about.

 

He's going to clock it. He's going to
figure it out. Of course he's not.

 

He's some Hollywood idiot
from Hollywood.

 

He's clueless.
All right, wait, wait.

 

What films did I make again?

 

Paths of glory, yeah.

 

Dr. Strangelove, yeah.

 

Lolita.

 

Wait, hang on.

 

Lolita?

 

Isn't that the pedo film?

 

Oh, for fuck's sake, Johnny.

 

No! Why do I have to be a pedo?

 

Why can't I be someone else?

 

Why can't I be Hitchcock?

 

No! You're Stanley Kubrick.

 

Listen, I'm not going to let
him fuck me up the arse.

 

What are you talking about?
I hear stories, man.

 

These Hollywood dudes
are at it all the time.

 

Oh, fuck.

 

Oh, shit, I feel sick.

 

I think I've got stage fright.

 

Hang on. I need to relax.
Hang on. Hang on.

 

Leon! Leon!

 

What's in the bag, Leon? Leon!

 

It's repair patch glue.

 

Are you fucking joking me?

 

You're doing this to me now?

 

Wake up, Leon, you fucking junkie!
I'm sorry.

 

Look...

 

Take some of this.

 

Get more. All of it.

 

How do you feel now?

 

Powerful.

 

Like a horse.

 

Listen...

 

All you've got to do
is sit in there

 

for five minutes and pretend
to be Stanley Kubrick.

 

All right. You can do it.

 

I know you can pull it off.
Yeah. All right.

 

Okay? Okay.

 

Yeah. Okay.

 

How do I look?

 

Okay. Great.

 

Shit.

 

Good to see you again, Mr. Kidman.
Good to see you.

 

Please meet
Mr. Stanley Kubrick.

 

So good of you to see me
on such short notice.

 

Sorry.
My hands are a bit clammy.

 

You've got to be
an incredibly busy man.

 

Yeah. Well, yeah.

 

Pretty damned busy, all right.

 

Two beers.

 

So I'm a huge fan of your work.
Oh, cheers.

 

I've seen Spartacus,
I don't know,

 

at least five times.

 

Great film.

 

Yeah, it's a good film.

 

So, you brought the cash?

 

Anyway, I wanted
to talk to you about

 

an incredibly important
film project.

 

And it's extremely
time sensitive.

 

And well, we decided
that there's only one man

 

in the world
that can pull this off.

 

Oh, wow.

 

And that man is?

 

So, yeah, cheers.

 

Lovely.

 

Anyway, this...

 

Project is of great confident...

 

confidentiality.

 

So everything
I say from here on

 

is for Mr. Kubrick's ears only.

 

Right. Yeah, yeah.

 

Usually, Stanley prefers me to
be involved in all decisions.

 

I talk to Mr. Kubrick alone
or there is no deal.

 

Well...

 

I suppose I'll just...

 

Wait outside. What?

 

What?

 

Oh!

 

What happened? You were
in there bloody ages.

 

Yeah, amazing.

 

I really got into it, actually.

 

By the end, I kind of felt like

 

I really was Kubrick.

 

That's great. So?

 

So, what?

 

So, what happened?

 

Oh, yeah.

 

Not my thing, to be honest.

 

What do you mean?

 

Well, it's totally
out of my comfort zone.

 

Not my bag at all.

 

Not your bag?

 

You're not Stanley Kubrick!

 

Yeah, but I'm playing
Stanley Kubrick.

 

And I had to do what
I thought Stanley would do.

 

It's called method acting.

 

Are you totally insane?

 

We just want the cash, Leon!

 

What?

 

Mr. Kidman! Mr. Kidman!

 

Mr. Kidman!

 

I apologize for my colleague.

 

But we've had a chat
now, talked it over,

 

and we've decided he'll do it.

 

Yeah.

 

Didn't you just say
that it went against

 

all of your artistic
and moral principles?

 

Oh, yeah, well, I changed
my mind about that.

 

Yeah, I want to do it now.

 

Yeah, I want to do it.
Yeah, I want it. I want it!

 

Now!

 

Look, just give us the money
and we'll get to work.

 

You'll get your film
and then you can go back home

 

to your hamburgers
and I love Lucy.

 

I'm warning you...

 

I can't afford to be
let down about this.

 

You better deliver or there are
going to be serious consequences.

 

Do we look like
the kind of people

 

that are going to let you down?

 

I'll call you in your office
first thing in the morning.

 

Yeah. No, just jam it.

 

Just jam it back.

 

Yeah. No, just jam it.
I am fucking jamming it!

 

What do you think I'm doing?

 

God.

 

How much do you think
is in there?

 

Oh, fuck.

 

I never thought
it'd be this much.

 

We've hit the jackpot.

 

That doesn't happen
very often in life.

 

No. God.

 

These must be
the plans for the film.

 

Fuck the plans.

 

What if he finds us? How?

 

By knocking
on every door in London?

 

These guys have
got so much money

 

they don't know
what to do with it.

 

Maybe we should
lay low for a while.

 

You know, keep a low profile.

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

Yeah. Definitely.

 

Everything's going
according to plan.

 

I understand, sir. They're setting
up production as we speak.

 

So I'm the lead singer
in a band.

 

Yeah.

 

That's right. It's a rock band.

 

I could write you
a song, if you like.

 

I can do it right now.

 

Shit.

 

For fuck's sake.

 

I love you, Johnny.

 

And in our roundup
of news from the arts world,

 

Stanley Kubrick, the
British-based American director

 

has made a rare visit
to continental Europe,

 

to talk about his new Sci-Fi
film, a space odyssey.

 

The film depicts space and space
travel as we've never seen before.

 

The film has
left audiences baffled.

 

Mr. Kubrick said himself,

 

"if anyone understands it
on the third viewing,

 

we failed in our intention."

 

Fuck!

 

Good morning, sweetheart.

 

Who are you?

 

Who am I?

 

I'm Derek Kaye.

 

Who the hell are you?

 

Who let you in here?

 

You're Derek Kaye?

 

Yeah, that's right.

 

You're Derek Kaye?

 

Oh my god, is there
an echo in here or what?

 

Yes, I'm Derek Kaye.

 

Who's asking?

 

Well, who was that little fuck
who was in here yesterday?

 

I haven't got a bloody clue
what you're talking about.

 

I'm talking about
that little fuck

 

that was
in this office yesterday

 

saying he was Derek Kaye

 

and saying he could bring me
Stanley fucking Kubrick!

 

Kubrick? Oh, come on.
That's ridiculous!

 

Oh, who the fuck is asking?

 

Right. Listen.

 

I'm not sure which looney bin
you've just escaped from,

 

but unless
you're out of my office

 

in the next three seconds,
I'm calling the police.

 

Is that clear?

 

one, two...

 

I don't know
who it was, I swear!

 

Give me a name, goddammit!

 

Or else I'll crush that tiny
little British head of yours.

 

I don't know.

 

Oh, fuck.

 

No, wait! Wait!

 

Johnny Thorpe.

 

It must have been him because
he was in here yesterday.

 

Where can I find him?

 

I'm coming.

 

For fuck's sake.

 

I'm not deaf,
you stupid fucking...

 

morning, Johnny.

 

All right, Paul.

 

What's up? Not much.

 

How about you?

 

Yeah, I'm all right.

 

Better than all right
from what I heard.

 

My mate, the clam said he saw
you last night down at the pub.

 

Splashing the cash.

 

Yeah, I was going to come
and see you this morning.

 

Had a bit of luck at the races.

 

So, I've got
Mr. Monger's money.

 

What are you looking for?

 

Look.

 

You have had a stroke
of luck, haven't you?

 

Yeah. So, how much was it?

 

200? That's right.

 

Plus interest.

 

I'm sure Mr. Monger would
like to send his thanks.

 

You know Johnny Thorpe?

 

Okay.

 

You all right, mate?

 

Excuse me.

 

I'm looking for Johnny Thorpe.

 

He was in the pub last night.

 

Won a shitload on a horse.

 

Where is he?

 

Why should we tell you?

 

Well, it'd be better
for your health.

 

Excuse me, Sonny Jim, we're actually
doing a bit of business here.

 

Plus Johnny's our mate
and we don't go around

 

giving out his address
to cheeky yank bastards.

 

You get what
I'm saying, dickhead?

 

He lives on Aspern grove.

 

If you take a left
when you leave here,

 

then it's your second street
on the right.

 

And it's like a 10-minute walk,
or you could take a black cab,

 

or it's three stops
on the number 46 bus.

 

It's only money, Johnny.

 

And it wasn't even ours
in the first place.

 

It's not just the money,
though, is it, Leon?

 

That was our future.

 

I promised the band
a fucking album.

 

Now I know how that
CIA guy must have felt.

 

What CIA guy?

 

What?

 

You just said, now you know how
that CIA guy must have felt.

 

What CIA guy?

 

You know, the American.
The guy whose money it was.

 

Wanted to do the whole...

 

Fake moon landing thingy.

 

What are you going on
about, Leon?

 

You know. The Americans want to
do a secret fake moon landing

 

in case the real one
doesn't work.

 

That's why they wanted
Stanley Kubrick.

 

You're fucking joking me.

 

No, why would I lie about that?
It's all in the documents.

 

And you didn't think that was important
information to share with me?

 

That he was from the fucking CIA?
I thought you knew.

 

If I had known, I wouldn't
have taken the money.

 

I'm not a total fucking idiot.
I don't want to get killed.

 

All right, all right, man. Don't
make a big deal out of it.

 

But it is a big deal!
Don't you get that?

 

This is really fucking heavy
seriously fucking shit

 

we're in here! Fuck!

 

What?

 

Why are you worried?

 

You said he was an American
idiot and he'd never find us.

 

That was before I knew
he was a fucking CIA agent.

 

Oh. Fuck.

 

All right, we have
to get out of here.

 

What? Come on, Leon!

 

Hang on. Wait, wait.

 

I'll take this apple.

 

For fuck's sake, Leon!
Just in case.

 

Fuck.

 

All right.

 

Grab whatever you can and let's
get the fuck out of here.

 

Hey there.

 

You said he was a proper, like,

 

dickhead brainless
Hollywood twat.

 

You going somewhere?

 

What?

 

No.

 

Whatever gave you that idea?

 

I don't know.

 

Just you saying,
grab whatever you can,

 

let's get the fuck out of here.

 

Oh, fuck.

 

Yeah.

 

I meant... You know...

 

Let's get the fuck
out of here and...

 

Get to work
on that bloody film.

 

Oh, good. Phew.

 

'Cause for a second there
I was worried that

 

you might not be
who you said you were.

 

Hey there, Mr. Kubrick,
how are you doing, sir?

 

How's our
little project coming?

 

Yeah, pretty good, you know.

 

Ups and downs. Actors.

 

So...

 

You two live here together?

 

Sort of. Yeah.

 

Kind of strange, isn't it?

 

The most important
filmmaker of all time

 

chooses to live in this...

 

Tiny little piece of shit
hovel of a piece of shit...

 

With his agent.

 

A couple of faggots.

 

I suppose. Yeah.

 

Mr. Kidman,
we really didn't mean...

 

To steal my money?

 

Where's the case?

 

We... we had a little issue.

 

Where's the case?

 

It... it was stolen.

 

It wasn't my fault.

 

What? I'm sorry.

 

It was what?

 

I swear I'll get it back.

 

Johnny!

 

Who's that?

 

My mate, Glen.
Tell him to fuck off.

 

What?

 

Tell him to fuck off.

 

Fuck off, Glen!

 

What? Fuck off!

 

I'll call you later.
But you told me to come...

 

fuck off!

 

Fucking idiot.

 

You know how much
trouble you caused me?

 

Look. Please...

 

There must be
something we can do.

 

We can help, give you
whatever you need.

 

I need to get
a fucking movie made.

 

Well, we can do the film,
can't we, Leon?

 

I know people.

 

I know a director.

 

We can go there right now.

 

And Leon is an actor,
for god's sake!

 

Please.

 

Give us a chance.

 

We can help you.

 

We can make it work.

 

Look, the moon landing is only
a few days away, isn't it?

 

Do you really want to go back
to your boss and tell him

 

that you don't have
Stanley Kubrick

 

and you don't have the money?

 

We must be
the only hope you've got.

 

We must be
the only hope you've got.

 

We must be
the only hope you've got.

 

We must be
the only hope you've got.

 

We must be
the only hope you've...

 

uh-huh.

 

Here's what's going to happen.

 

We're going to go back
to the original plan.

 

And then the three of us,

 

me, and you two
fucking assholes

 

are going to film
man landing on the moon.

 

And if you so much
as tell one soul about this,

 

I swear I will make you suffer

 

in ways
you never even imagined.

 

I want to meet your guy.

 

Now.

 

Fucking hell.

 

Hi there.

 

An angel.

 

Is Renatus in?

 

Sure.

 

Follow me.

 

Artists.

 

Renatus.

 

The angel's here.

 

What the hell are you going
on about, you silly cow?

 

Renatus. Johnny.

 

Johnny Thorpe.

 

Remember me?

 

Leon!

 

Where have you been,
my little pixie friend?

 

Come in, come in.

 

What's that smell?

 

I think it's some kind of petrol.
I like it.

 

Just watch this.

 

It's my latest movie.

 

I like your shirt.

 

Thank you.

 

It's called bounce.

 

Together we wander
through the abyss of life.

 

From light to dark.

 

And from dark to light again.

 

And then...

 

From light back to dark again.

 

And light again.

 

Dark again.

 

And then...

 

Light again.

 

This guy's a fucking asshole.

 

Of course he is.
He's a film director.

 

I mean, look at this shit.

 

So, what brings you here?

 

Mr. Kidman here
is a Hollywood producer.

 

He wants to know
if you'd be interested

 

in making a film
for his company.

 

Films. Films are dead.

 

In five years, no one
will watch films anymore.

 

You know what they'll watch?

 

Computers.

 

Yeah.
This is different, though.

 

This is about men
landing on the moon.

 

Okay. Topical.

 

And what do they do there?

 

They just walk around
for a while,

 

plant a flag, and they go home.
That's it.

 

You know what?

 

I think that might actually
be the best film idea

 

I've ever heard
in my entire life.

 

Really? I mean...

 

It's so...

 

Simple.

 

But at the same time it sums up
the entire human experience.

 

We land in a strange place,
we wander around,

 

and then, poof, we're gone.

 

Yeah, that's what
we're thinking, you know.

 

Say something meaningful
about life.

 

Yeah, like I did with bounce.

 

So, when can you start?

 

So, maybe I could shoot...

 

In the Autumn.

 

The Autumn?

 

No, not the fucking Autumn.

 

We need it in seven days.

 

Seven da...

 

I can't make a film
in seven days.

 

Bounce took me three years.

 

Right. We're fucking out of here.
Oh, come on, man.

 

I've seen your work.
You're a pro.

 

I mean, look at this,
for god's sake.

 

It's genius. I know.

 

I know you can make it work.

 

Leon...

 

Will be the hero.

 

Brilliant!
Leon's a great actor.

 

I know.

 

But it's going
to cost a lot of money.

 

I am going
to cost a lot of money.

 

I need a lot of money.

 

We'll get the money. Won't we?

 

You're coming with me.

 

We'll be back in one hour.

 

Bye, angel.

 

Johnny!

 

So, you're going to get
some more money from the CIA?

 

Why would I want to do that when
you know who took the case?

 

What? Whoa, whoa. No, no, no.

 

I never said I knew them.

 

The iron Monger's
got your money.

 

Believe me, they are people
you don't want to mess with.

 

They're bad news.

 

You just take me there

 

and you point them out to me.

 

But they'll kill me
if I do that.

 

And I'll kill you if you don't.

 

So, it seems to me like
you're fucked either way.

 

Is this it?

 

Yeah.

 

Can we think about what...

 

by the way, just so you know,
he doesn't like swearing.

 

Thanks. I'll try to be careful.

 

Whoa. Nice shirt, dude.

 

Stop, for fuck's sake!

 

Come on.

 

Johnny!

 

Nice surprise.

 

Fuck me, your mom's ugly.

 

Hello, sweetheart.

 

She deaf and dumb?

 

I talk, motherfucker.

 

Put the gun down, mate.
Have a word, Johnny, will you?

 

Want me to put the gun down?
I'll put the gun down. Yeah.

 

Fuck!

 

Hello, Jonathan.

 

Who's your friend?

 

He's...

 

That case you stole
from this asshole

 

belongs to me.

 

Well, you may not know this,
not from being around

 

these parts,
but I'm in the business

 

of collecting money,

 

not giving it away.

 

I thought Jonathan
might have told you that.

 

I kind of did.

 

You know,
before I did tower bridge,

 

I did the Eiffel Tower,
Buckingham Palace,

 

St. Paul's cathedral.
That was my first.

 

Takes a tremendous
amount of Patience.

 

An unwavering determination
to get to the end.

 

No matter what the sacrifice.

 

I'm sorry, you were saying?

 

That was
a very silly thing to do.

 

Johnny, get the case.

 

Me?

 

Don't do this, son.

 

Johnny, get the case.

 

Jonathan. Johnny!

 

Take the gun, too.

 

Bad choice, kid.

 

Shit. Sorry.

 

All right. Nobody moves,

 

everybody will be fine.

 

Watch out!

 

Go!

 

You fucking bitch.

 

There's your money.

 

Start now.

 

Let's get to work. Yeah?

 

You all right?

 

How confident are they
they'll make it?

 

70/30.

 

70 percent they'll make it?

 

No.

 

Jesus, Kidman, you'd better come through
on this film, you son of a bitch.

 

Or we're going to wind up with this
giant dildo stuck up our asses.

 

Where's the fucking director?

 

I'm sure he'll
be here in a minute.

 

We can start all the
technical stuff without him.

 

What do we do about gravity?

 

About what?

 

That moon is much too grey.
What are you talking about?

 

Thank goodness the other
planets will add some color.

 

Other planets?

 

Fuck you talking about,
other planets?

 

There's only one planet.
Planet earth.

 

Here. Look.

 

Yeah, but you're not seeing the
opportunity for creative expression.

 

You don't understand
what I can do with the colors.

 

It's not that
I don't understand,

 

it's that I don't give a fuck.

 

Look, I have been working
for you all night.

 

You're going to like it.

 

And I already have
alien costumes I can rent you.

 

They're from
my adaptation of Hamlet.

 

It's a great opportunity.

 

Leon! Coming!

 

Leon! Yeah. Coming.

 

Check me out.

 

What is all this crap?

 

Look...

 

You either do exactly
what's written there

 

or you can go fuck yourself.
Do you understand?

 

Go fuck myself?
Go fuck yourself.

 

Go fuck myself?
Go fuck yourself!

 

Talk to me like that
one more time, Mr. Hollywood,

 

and you'll be making your film
with your own fat fingers.

 

I'm the director and I
decide what's good or bad.

 

Either that or I pick up
my equipment and my crew.

 

How do you like them apples?

 

Renatus!

 

Renatus!

 

Renatus.

 

Can I talk to you
for a second, please?

 

That guy is a Hollywood Nazi.
I don't work with Nazis.

 

It's going to be
my vision or nothing.

 

What if we doubled your money?

 

Do you think I'm a whore?

 

I'm an artist. Don't insult me.

 

Triple.

 

Okay.

 

Nothing. It's all good.

 

What the fuck is that?

 

Huh?

 

This is my studio.

 

There's fucking two of them.

 

Is that just me seeing that?

 

Sorry.

 

Tom Kidman?

 

Kozinsky, transmission.

 

Don't ask questions.

 

Just do your job.

 

Huh?

 

What do you think?

 

Right. Strip this place down.

 

Search for any clues as to
where they might have gone.

 

Pisshole.

 

Good job.

 

Oh. Hi.

 

Hi, Glen.

 

What are you doing here?

 

Hi, Glen?
What about fuck off, Glen?

 

Hairy Mike told me
to come down.

 

He said there was a scene.
And it looks like he's right.

 

What the fuck is happening?

 

Nothing.
It's not nothing, is it?

 

It looks like a bloody carnival.
What the...

 

honestly, I've got as much
as an idea as you do.

 

Johnny, should I take
the costumes to the set?

 

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Ella.

 

I thought you were supposed
to be sorting shit out for us.

 

I am sorting shit out.

 

What's all this, then?

 

What the hell happened
to my bloody rock opera?

 

Well, you know, it's...

 

Eh?

 

Wait. Is this it?

 

What?

 

Is this the rock opera?

 

Yes.

 

And you didn't want to tell me 'cause
you wanted to keep it a surprise.

 

That's right. Aw.

 

Oh my god! I actually can't
believe you pulled it off!

 

That's amazing! Hey, Johnny.

 

I know you want this film
to look like rubbish

 

like it says in the documents.

 

But could we at least
have the jellyfish?

 

Huh? Yeah, in the sky, dancing.

 

There's no dancing jellyfish
on the moon, is there?

 

Oh, really?

 

Have you been there?

 

No.

 

Is this the director?

 

Oh, yeah.

 

Glen, meet Renatus,
the director.

 

Renatus, this is Glen.

 

I'm the lead singer.

 

Who?

 

The lead singer of the band.

 

For the rock opera.

 

I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.

 

Look, Glen, why don't you
go over there,

 

chill out for a bit, and then I'll
explain the whole concept to you.

 

All right. Great, man.

 

Uh...

 

Excuse me!

 

Excuse me!

 

Who the fuck are they?

 

Who? Those idiots.

 

Oh, yeah.

 

That's the band. The band?

 

Yeah. We decided to make
the film into a rock opera.

 

You want me to kill you?
Is that it?

 

Kill me?

 

You should be thanking me.

 

People are starting
to ask questions.

 

This is a perfect cover story.

 

It's totally putting
everyone off the scent.

 

Anything else
you want to tell me?

 

No.

 

What the fuck is that now?

 

Watch out. Watch out!

 

What the fuck is this?

 

It's the auditions.

 

Very talented.

 

Audition?

 

Yeah.

 

Renatus and the band
want to complete the show

 

with some special guests.

 

Special guests?

 

Special fucking guests!

 

Jesus Christ.

 

Get the fuck out of my way!

 

I don't like it.

 

That's a Scheisse. Next!

 

You all right, man? You
look a bit stressed out.

 

Just leave me alone. You know,
I feel like that sometimes.

 

A bit stressed.

 

Maybe you should
have a go on this.

 

It might chill you out a bit.

 

That shit doesn't work on me.

 

What do you mean?

 

I mean it doesn't
do anything, man.

 

I'm CIA trained.

 

My mind is too strong
for that shit.

 

Nah.

 

What, you don't believe me?

 

No. Hand it over.

 

All right.

 

See? Nothing.

 

The mission is fraught
with technical problems.

 

Our chances of success
are dwindling by the hour.

 

We need to know that we can rely
on the footage from London.

 

We're going
to get that footage.

 

You'd better
be sure about that.

 

The only reason we launched this
mission is because you said

 

you could guarantee a plan b.

 

Relax. Don't worry.

 

Have a cigarette.

 

Kidman's a rock.

 

You're feeling better now?

 

More relaxed?

 

What's going on?

 

Oh, I just gave him
a bit of weed.

 

Thought it might, like,
chill him out a bit.

 

And it has. Look.

 

He's like that
after a bit of weed?

 

Yeah, can you believe it?

 

CIA.

 

Yeah, it was just like
a tiny bit of weed

 

with a bit of opium in it.

 

Oh, for fuck's sake, Leon.

 

Why are you getting him
fucked on opium?

 

What? Don't you understand?

 

If we don't deliver
this film, we're dead.

 

Oh, right. No more opium.

 

Look after him.

 

We need him fully compos mentis

 

and on set
as soon as possible, okay?

 

You can count on me, man.

 

I'm more CIA trained than you.

 

What?

 

What do you mean
you can't find them?

 

It's been five days.

 

They're nowhere.

 

We haven't taken
our eyes off the flat.

 

Well, what about
the people they know?

 

Who's that group
they fuck around with?

 

Where are they?

 

We'll get on it. Come on.

 

Yeah.

 

You get on it.

 

Are you feeling okay?

 

Not really.
My head is killing me.

 

Here.

 

Take one of these.

 

Thank you.

 

Acid is the best thing
for headaches.

 

What?

 

Yeah, trust me.

 

Are you fucking kidding me?

 

It works, you'll see.

 

You all right?

 

Ready to go for rehearsal?

 

She just gave me acid.

 

Oh.

 

Have you got any more?

 

Yeah. Yeah? Sweet.

 

Yeah. Nice one, dude.

 

Look, how high should I bounce?

 

I think you should fly,
not bounce.

 

Really? It says "bounce."

 

Hey, Johnny!

 

Yeah. Hi.

 

What's this I hear about
the astronauts having wires?

 

Yeah, what about my wire?

 

You don't need a wire.

 

You're an extra-terrestrial.

 

You can exist in zero gravity.

 

Okay, yeah, fine.

 

But I'm the most important
thing about this project.

 

Yeah? So I want a wire. Okay?

 

There's no way someone else
having a wire and not me.

 

So, sort it out.

 

And get rid of that machine.

 

Ugly.

 

Fucking moon.

 

Right, rehearsal's over.

 

I'm done. But that was shit.

 

We're supposed to be
filming this tomorrow.

 

It'll work itself out.
Don't you understand?

 

If this doesn't work,
we're all dead.

 

Calm down, man,
it's just a movie.

 

You know, this is...

 

Like, the first time
I can remember...

 

Where I haven't felt like...

 

Like I want to kill somebody,
you know what I mean?

 

Oh.

 

I'm sitting here now,
and I'm looking at you.

 

Yeah? And...

 

Like, I'm fully aware
that I could just snap

 

your neck like a twig.

 

But...

 

For some reason
I don't want to.

 

Oh.

 

Look at this.

 

Oh yeah.

 

Right?

 

I see it.

 

Wow. Yeah.

 

He looked at me!
Go on, little fella.

 

Go on, son.

 

He just looked me in the eye.

 

What the fuck is going on?

 

Shh, shh, shh.

 

Are you high? No, man.

 

We just had a bit of...
Low-grade acid.

 

Do you mean while I've been
out there working my arse off

 

trying to get this film ready,
you've been in here dropping acid?

 

Renatus is out of control.
Today was fucking awful.

 

Of course it was, man. I mean, the
whole fucking thing is a fucking mess.

 

That's why we're dead already.

 

Stop talking like that!
Just stop it!

 

I'm sorry, I just...

 

Bad vibes.

 

We can't give up.
We need to do this.

 

It's over, man.

 

I mean, let it go.

 

Yeah, drop it.

 

So, that's it?

 

We're all going to die.

 

Yeah. We're all going to die.

 

Yeah.

 

I've never had
anything but bad luck.

 

When I was born,

 

a short circuit
in the Incubator

 

set fire in the maternity ward.

 

Burnt down the entire wing
of the hospital.

 

My father's still convinced
they mixed the babies up

 

during the evacuation.

 

He always said I was a loser.

 

Everybody thinks I'm a loser.

 

I don't want to die a loser.

 

There's one thing,
like, I learnt in 'nam.

 

It's, like, Americans...

 

We never fucking lose, man.

 

We never fucking lose.

 

And we're not going
to fucking lose this time.

 

Not on my watch.

 

My watch.

 

What time is it?

 

Midnight.

 

I was supposed
to fucking call Dickford.

 

Who's Dickford?

 

Kidman. Yes, sir.

 

How are you doing?
How am I doing?

 

Where the hell have you been?

 

You were supposed to call me
first thing this morning.

 

I know. I had some trouble.

 

What kind of trouble?

 

Hold on, sir.

 

What kind of trouble
did I have?

 

Tell him you got lost.

 

I got lost.

 

What do you mean you got lost?

 

What do I mean I got lost?

 

You were in a bar,
and then you walked out...

 

I was in a bar,
and I walked out.

 

But then you didn't know
whether to go left or right.

 

But I didn't know
whether to go left or right.

 

But then I thought,
"right, I'm going to go left."

 

That's it. What the fuck
are you talking about?

 

What's the state
of the operation?

 

Apollo 11 is in deep space.
We need that footage!

 

Hello, sir?

 

Is that you there?

 

Are you fucking
with me, Kidman?

 

Where's Kubrick?

 

Can I call you back?

 

No. Don't, don't,
don't hang up, Kidman.

 

I'll call you right back, okay?
Don't, don't. Don't hang up!

 

Kidman!

 

I don't think
that went too well.

 

I thought it was beautiful.

 

Kidman!

 

You been having fun,
agent Kidman?

 

My, my, my.

 

People up high are starting
to worry about your progress.

 

You're blowing
my cover, you prick.

 

Everything was under control.

 

Under control?

 

Oh my word,
you got to be kidding me.

 

He's playing an alien.
It's part of the cover story.

 

Well, you don't need
your cover story anymore.

 

We're instigating phase
two of the operation.

 

You don't think we're going to let
you run the show alone, do you?

 

Everything is done.
Nothing left to do

 

except film it
and send back the footage.

 

Well I hope for your sake
it's convincing.

 

Don't push me,
you fucking gestapo!

 

Tom.

 

Who are these people?

 

All right, everybody, get
ready, we're going to the set.

 

Get the fuck out of my way.

 

We got an address, boss.

 

I think we found them.

 

All right, everybody
take their places.

 

Let's prepare the astronauts.

 

I told you this guy was a Nazi.

 

Not too bad, huh?

 

He fucking did it.

 

I'll be ready to transmit
in a half hour.

 

What is going on?

 

It can't end like this, can it?

 

Just shut up and listen to me.

 

I may still be able
to get you out of this,

 

but you got to listen
to everything I tell you.

 

Now, they're not going to kill us as
long as they don't have the footage.

 

But it's got to look real.

 

So you better be
really good out there.

 

Okay.

 

Hey! I'm Glen. Glen?

 

Yes, the lead singer, for fuck's sake.
Oh, really?

 

How's it going? You all right?

 

Are you okay, Leon?

 

No, I'm freaking out, man.

 

I don't think I can go through
with this, to be honest.

 

Are you fucked up?

 

No. No.

 

Well, yeah.

 

I took some magic mushrooms.

 

Oh, for fuck's sake, Leon!

 

This is not a time to do that!

 

I know, I just wanted to take
the edge off the nerves.

 

But in retrospect, it may
not have been a good idea

 

because I feel like...

 

I feel like my penis
is whispering to me.

 

It's saying terrible things.

 

It's telling me that
my parents are cousins.

 

But I don't think they are.
Leon, listen to me.

 

Your penis isn't whispering
to you, okay?

 

That's just
the mushrooms talking.

 

I know this whole thing
is a little crazy.

 

Yeah. We're nearly there.

 

All we've got to do
is just deliver this film

 

and we'll be clear of the CIA.

 

And then we can go home. Yeah,
I understand all that, man.

 

It's just the fact is
I'm looking at you right now

 

and your head is the size of...

 

A tangerine.

 

And the rest of your body
is normal size.

 

It's just your head, it's tiny.

 

It's minuscule. Leon...

 

Stop!

 

Now, of all the stupid
things I've done in my life,

 

this is the one thing
I want to get right.

 

Okay. And to do that, I need
you to sort your head out.

 

I need you, Leon.

 

Okay. Come here.

 

We got pictures!
We got pictures!

 

Everything's ready.

 

Okay.

 

Und Bitte.

 

Action!

 

Right. I think it's time
we sorted these cunts out.

 

I'm going down the ladder now.

 

one small...

 

Man...

 

That's one small step for man,

 

one giant leap for...

 

one small man.

 

Something like that.

 

What the fuck is he saying?

 

He's totally screwing it up!

 

This is amazing,
isn't it, Johnny?

 

We're actually on the moon.

 

Who's Johnny?

 

I'm buzz aldrin.

 

Oh shit, yeah. Sorry.

 

Try not to swear, yeah?

 

Pull. You got it, buzz.

 

Buzz. Bounce.

 

Buzz.

 

Buzz!

 

Pull higher! Pull
higher, fucking idiots!

 

Ow, ow! Higher! Fuck!

 

One of my testicles
is caught in the wire.

 

I can't fucking do it.

 

Just fucking... i can't do it!

 

For fuck's sake.

 

Put it in the ground.
Stick it in there.

 

It's not that easy, okay?
Do you want to try it?

 

For fuck's sake.
Just give it to me.

 

Yeah, put the flag...

 

Oh god!

 

I think I've been
sick out my back passage.

 

I feel some kind of liquid
on the backs of my legs.

 

What the fuck are you doing?

 

Fuck, man, I feel so sick.

 

That smells so bad.

 

I'll have
to take off my helmet.

 

You can't take off your helmet.
We're on the fucking moon.

 

Where do you think
you're going?

 

To the toilet.

 

Is that okay?

 

Jackson, go with him.

 

Let me guess.

 

You must be the drummer.

 

Shut up, you septic ponce.

 

What the fuck?

 

Keep the cameras rolling.

 

Everyone else, come with me.

 

Leon! Woo!

 

Who are these assholes?

 

Fly! Woo!

 

Fly! Fly!

 

Well, fuck me.

 

Jesus Christ!
Who the fuck are these guys?

 

Johnny! Johnny!

 

- Look how high I'm going!
- Johnny!

 

Good morning!

 

Well, go on, then.

 

Come get me, old man!

 

You want to fucking have some?

 

Fuck you! And some of that!

 

How's that?

 

Come on!

 

You fuck with me?

 

Fuck!

 

I'm going to chop
your fucking head off!

 

You lost, Kidman. Now you die.

 

Fucking amateur.

 

Whoa. He knocked the flag over.

 

Hey, Johnny!

 

Johnny!

 

Hey, Johnny.

 

I missed.

 

He's dead, Johnny.

 

You got him.

 

Did I?

 

Am I going to die?

 

No, man.

 

Are you sure?

 

Yeah, you fainted
'cause of the shock.

 

Oh.

 

We better leave town.

 

Los hombres descienden
sobre la Luna.

 

Dos hombres. Uno de
ellos que está tocando.

 

Surface is fine and powdery.

 

I can pick it up loosely
with my toe.

 

It does adhere in fine layers like
powdered charcoal...
Is that...

 

Is that us?

 

No, Leon.

 

They actually did it.

 

They landed on the moon.

 

A small fraction of an inch,
maybe an eighth of an inch,

 

but I can see the footprints...

 

Boy, they sure did.

 

Of my boots and the treads
in the fine Sandy particles.

 

Didn't they?

 

Man is, in fact, on the moon.

 

Traquility base, a new world, a
new place, a new solar system.

 

I just can't tell you how proud
we all are of what you have done.

 

For every American this has to be
the proudest day of our lives.

 

Do you think it took great
courage to do what they've done?

 

It took teamwork.

 

Teamwork above all.

 

And it's the greatest accomplishment
of the people of this nation.

 

There isn't
a question about that.

 

Well, I'm very surprised about this.
This is wonderful.